I visited the OBGyn, today. I didn’t realize why I was so aggravated at the other drivers until I was already there and near tears in the exam room. I didn’t have an exam this time, but I wish I had (bear with me). An exam would have been done had I felt any change in my condition in order to document it. I wish the cream I’m on (compounded Gabapentin, Lidocaine, & Ketamine) had had more than a 10% affect over the course of three months.
I cried on the drive home. I’m just so frustrated by the lack of care available. I can’t believe that there is so little that can be done in 2017.
My mind starts to race. Maybe if more men knew about this condition, and saw that they weren’t getting sex not because of ED but because women are in pain, the medical community (or Congress who seems to control women’s health these days) would get it together and figure this out. Maybe if pain in sex for women wasn’t normalized as the ‘first time’ pain.
Maybe we should create an Allies in Pain group for our partners. Anyone with me?
As it is, I feel very much like once a male partner gets sick of not being able to have sex, he’ll just move on to someone else. Toss me out with the trash. I was broken (my therapist tells me to not use that word — sorry therapist).
This disorder is actually forcing me to identify as Demisexual, someone who doesn’t experience arousal unless there’s a strong emotional tie, even though I’m not. It takes so much trust for me to have any sexual experience at all that there inevitably is an emotional tie. I wonder if my body forcing me to be Demisexual is as horrible as being forced to identify as straight when you’re homosexual. It really feels awful. I surround myself with a ‘free love’ friend group, but I can’t take any part. I don’t even know if that is a real part of myself, or if I just want free love because I can’t have any love at all.
I apologize for the decidedly dark theme of this post. The doctor’s visit really threw me off my usual quips. I’ll be back to normal, soon.